Liverpool FC Forum

by **Roger Red Hat** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:26 pm

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything-except 'Stella'

Barmaid asks "whats wrong wi Stella like"?
Bloke says "I had 12 pints of Stella last night-
and when I came round I was foookin skint !"

Barmaid says "12 pints of anything costs about the same"

bloke replies "Skint is my dog...."

by **Greavesie** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:29 pm

tried erotic asphyxiation on my girlfriend when we had sex last night. She's been lying there for 12 hours now giving me the fuckin silent treatment...

by **dawson99** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:37 pm

joke about pubs?

I am naive. The lads in the pub were saying how good a blowjob is.
I didn't know what a blowjob was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew.
"Do you know what a blowjob is?"
She got up and walked out of the room, which was upsetting as she was sucking my **** at the time.

by **dawson99** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:38 pm

A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

by **bunglemark2** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:54 pm

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by hiding it up her :censored:

.

Turns out I could have just got another can in the departure lounge.

by **bunglemark2** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:55 pm

I took a girl home last night and ended up falling asleep on the sofa.

I must have got our drinks mixed up.

by **bunglemark2** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 2:58 pm

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family.
.. . You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his

wife shouting...........

"'Dave, wake up, you drunken :censored:

. You've

the bed !!'"

by **metalhead** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 3:28 pm

shouldn't these jokes be in the jokes thread?

by **laza** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 3:40 pm

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know... we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder..."

by **Roger Red Hat** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 3:48 pm

metalhead wrote:shouldn't these jokes be in the jokes thread?

nope. these aren't just 'jokes'... these are BEER jokes :buttrock

by **dawson99** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 3:52 pm

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"

by **Kenny Kan** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 3:52 pm

Christ those Japanese are rich, I've just seen a house with two boats and an aeroplane outside it.

by **dawson99** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 3:52 pm

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

by **Greavesie** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 4:14 pm

just when things couldnt get any worse, Gazza turns up with a fishing rod looking for the toon-army!

by **bunglemark2** » Tue Mar 15, 2011 4:38 pm

Kenny Kan wrote:Christ those Japanese are rich, I've just seen a house with two boats and an aeroplane outside it.

@rsehole....very bad taste....

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