Red Soul wrote:Lady Luck bumped into us on some rundown Cockney street today and stole our watch, our wallets, and three points.
First off, I thought we pretty much battered the gimps over the 90 minutes. People think our forward play is uninventive and lacks ideas - take a look at Chelsea, where an attack usually means hoofing the ball to Dogbreath, who will then squat over it and start flexing his shoulders like Hulk Hogan posing for his fans, until he manages to push the ball into the path of Fat Frank, who's steaming towards the box at roughly the speed and weight of a buffalo stampede. It invariably bounces off his chubby shins at high speed, and then all it needs is a technically perfect course correction from a defender's buttocks and it somehow comes to rest in the net.
At around 70 minutes Robben comes on, they hoof the ball up to him and stand round politely applauding when he performs a stunt from his favourite episode of Jackass should any red-shirted player in his half of the pitch make the mistake of sneezing in his general direction. Fat Frank wheezes up to take the free kick, still recovering from his earlier bout of running, and spazzes the ball into the blue yonder, unless of course he manages to hit one of the defenders in that sweet spot between the cheeks which carries it over the goal-line. Shevchenko ponders the meaning of life, does several Sudoko puzzles, wonders why Chelsea bought him, and wanders off the sidelines to play pattycake with Tiger Woods.
Do you know how close we were to winning this match?
*holds fingers about three inches apart*
This close.
If Kuyt's thunderbolt had been an inch lower, it would have spanged off the underside of the crossbar and be lying in an impact crater a foot or so behind the goal-line. They'd probably still be digging it out now, and pointing Geiger counters at it.
If Gerrard's healthy smack had gone an inch or so to the right, it would have flown past Cech like Superman with diarrhoea. He could have pulled as many Howard the Duck Quack-Fu flapping moves as he wanted, he wouldn't have kept that bad boy out.
If the ball had been an inch or so lower when Kuyt took a meaty swing at the damn thing after it squirted out of the penalty box, we'd have had three goals and Cech would be minus one head. Kuyt would have stuck his fingers in the blood jetting from the stump, and incorporated some impromptu LFC warpaint into his goal celebration.
Three frigging inches.
Our boys did good today. I don't think a single one of them looked out of sorts today, and I like the way Sissoko looks at a Chelsea player with the ball as if they just molested his dog. God knows what sort of training regime he's on, although I'd guess that it involves tying him to a stake in the middle of a field and not feeding him. Perhaps they get Academy youngsters to dress in the shirt of the next team we're going to face, and they eat cheeseburgers just out of his reach. They probably lob half-bricks at him too, just to really piss him off.
Alonso looked better than he has done, although his distribution wasn't quite the masterclass he usually treats us to, it was in no way bad and he performed his defensive duties superbly.
Pennant looked good, always managing to find space on that right wing, and providing a good outlet on the few occasions we were really under the cosh. He's also got an excellent first touch, and I think in this match he sprayed in roughly four times the amount of crosses we had for the whole of last season - I'll have to check Carling Opta for confirmation.
Stevie showed us what we already knew - that he can play just about anywhere on the damned pitch and do a very good job. Not as good a job as he can do in central midfield, granted, but still an excellent player no matter where you stick the man.
Defence looked solid today, with Agger especially looking hotter than Satan's ballbag. Central defence is one of the hardest positions a youngster can come into, as a lot of the game there is based upon positioning and experience, but somehow 21-year-old Dagger has strolled into the position and quietly growled to the Premiership, "Put the word around, I fancy meself and I'll take the lot on yers". Blinding. Finnan was just Finnan, which is good, Warnock looked a bit shaky against Doggy early on but seemed to have mostly got a handle on him as the match went on. Aurelio came on for him, and I thought he had a decent game - one inch-perfect sliding tackle in the penalty box comes to mind.
Kuyt and Bellamy look pretty damn good together, don't they? Kuyt worked hard as seems to be his trademark (rumour has it that his training sessions involve him being loaned to farmers to plough their fields) and Bellamy cracks me up, the angry little goblin. Once he starts getting a feel for offside traps, and Kuyt starts to get an understanding of where he's running so he can slip him an early ball, we're going to start seeing mucho goals from these two. They're not scoring freely yet, but it's the first few dates for these two. Gives them time to get to know each other, snuggle up in front of the fire, perhaps hold hands a little. You don't want to rush it, because you want it to be special. Don't worry folks, a few more games and we'll be seeing these two going fast 'n' nasty on the pitch.
And finally, Ballack should have been sent off. He's German, but not a cool German like our beloved Didi who smokes loads of tabs and wins us Champions League cups. He's one of those horrible ones you see on Eurotrash, dressed in a nappy and getting spanked with a wooden spoon by a former Czechoslovakian teeny-pop star. He just had a swift flashback, and he didn't see Momo outstretched on the ground, he saw a pasty 20-stone dominatrix with greasy hair demanding that he trample her thighs with his sexy studs.
Pervert.
And it was a good goal by Dogboy. So good in fact, that I'm going over to his house at about 2am when he's asleep, just so I can drape my naked, sweaty balls across his forehead.
The Best take on a game involving LFC for a LONG LONG Time !
You write this ? If not please credit the author .........
should have flush him down the drain years ago...
I thought it was a pretty clear red card
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