Liverpool FC Forum

[dawson99]

Spectator I: I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers".
Mrs. Gregory: Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

[account deleted by request]

He thinks he's better at sex than anyone... now all he needs to do is find a partner

[dawson99]

ok, now u lost me dude

[red37]

your beyond help mate...why did you get the core 360?

[dawson99]

because...the dude sdaid i could. i aint got a phone line so just wanted to play games. found a deal to get one for £200 with 3 games and took it... gonna buy the hard drive next day off tho... and hook it up and whoop your a$$es...

now a quote from a film, get it right, win a prize:

Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place

[account deleted by request]

Easy peasy - the breakfast club 

[dawson99]

ok , u win...

this!!!



a great book! with a forewood written by dame thora hird!!!

[red37]

because...the dude sdaid i could. i aint got a phone line so just wanted to play games. found a deal to get one for £200 with 3 games and took it... gonna buy the hard drive next day off tho... and hook it up and whoop your a$$es...

  Bring it!

thought you only got F.E.A.R with it.. what were the other two? - Get Broadband btw as well. 'If yo gonna be whoopin some butt' 

[account deleted by request]

Thats great mate... Just what I need when I breed rabbits

[dawson99]

not gonna say what the other 2 were, except they sucked... i sold them next day as they were unopened got money back... so in the end the console with fear came to 165!!!

and i rock now on call of duty or whatever... im the 1st person shooter genius

ps - where we work has got canal+ for the footy, but right now its not showing football thats for sure!!!

[red37]

Xbox live mate....xbox live. Thats when the true value of the system kicks in. Plus there are some good Arcade titles as well. Anyway im not helping anymore. You'll figure it all out soon enough..

[account deleted by request]

Save your money Dawson, just get Oblivion and you wont need broadband, just don't make any plans for the next three months

[dawson99]

whats an arcade title?

this was me going into the store... didnt show much promise


(love that picture)

Ahh yes, oblivian, that was the name!!! that i shall get,,, arhhh cool beans

[account deleted by request]

Mick says - 'Feck - I've just remembered that its my wife's birthday - what can I get her?'

"Well, it was my wifes birthday last week and I got her a bag and matching belt." says the Dave

"Wow - what a thoughtful present" says Mick.






"Yes" says Dave "and the vacuum cleaner is as good as new now...."

[account deleted by request]

top tips :-

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.


Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,


Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.


Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT one.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the F**ck you're going.

PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking thing in the first place, you fat b@st@rds.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's bottom, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get , lie in a sand pit in your garden and **** every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.