Manu maths - Humour

International Football/Football World Wide - General Discussion

Postby steviec » Fri Mar 26, 2004 1:55 pm

The Official Man Utd Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key
Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of
the Government's maths campaign.

1. ACCELERATION. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford
and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21 mph and Gary can run at 16
mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless
whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent
on his way.

2. TELLING THE TIME. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for
substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time the
referee will add on if Man Utd are losing at home?

3. PROBABILITY (1). Ryan Giggs is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage,
the number of internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared
to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.

4. SUBTRACTION. Manchester United are one of the giants of world
club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in
than Steaua Bucharest? (For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)

5. DISTANCE. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a
visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a
penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the
nearest 20 yards.)

6. PROBABILITY (2). Express the statistical probability of visitors to
Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of
opponents of Man Utd being awarded a penalty home or away, and then
discuss if a penalty awarded to Man Utd would be awarded to their
opponents in identical circumstances.

7. BASIC ACCOUNTING (1). Mark The Red lives in Guildford. How much does it
cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every
other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks
and a prawn sandwich all round? How much could he save per week if he
watched his local team instead? (Note; round your answers down to the
nearest thousand pounds.)

8. BASIC ACCOUNTING (2). Alex has a hotel room booked in Schalke for the Champions League Final. How much money will he lose when cancelling his

reservation?

9. WEIGHT AND PRESSURE. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How
much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponent's
penalty area? (Note; Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However,
answers such as However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees
are accepted.)

10. POULTRY FARMING. What is the total number of chickens counted before
they were hatched by Man Utd and their fans who thought Porto were a
pushover?
Save money on expensive binoculars by standing closer to the object you are trying to observe
User avatar
steviec
 
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Mar 04, 2004 3:43 pm
Location: Ireland

Postby Woollyback » Mon Mar 29, 2004 7:56 pm

Brilliant
b*ll*c*ks and s*i*e
User avatar
Woollyback
>> LFC Elite Member <<
 
Posts: 12400
Joined: Tue Mar 23, 2004 3:11 pm
Location: Manchester

Postby jonnymac1979 » Mon Jun 07, 2004 11:50 am

I hate Man United.  Simple as.
jonnymac1979
 

Postby cheesecakery » Mon Jun 07, 2004 1:34 pm

jonnymac1979 wrote:I hate Man United.  Simple as.

Its probably jealousy isnt it ?  :D
cus they won the premiership loads of times ? ???
ARF ARF
User avatar
cheesecakery
 
Posts: 1838
Joined: Thu Mar 13, 2003 2:57 pm

Postby jonnymac1979 » Mon Jun 07, 2004 11:04 pm

You can't add up then can you Manc?
jonnymac1979
 

Postby Supermarius » Tue Jun 08, 2004 12:29 am

Cheese-why would a liverpool fan be jealous of uniteds title wins?  ???  Im not jealous of them at all -I hate them with a passion and its beyond me how any human being could take to them .They have this chip on their shoulder that needs sledged off...look at Fergie with that bloody stopwatch ,I mean like..and all that ref bullying ..and all them goals they score in stoppage time  :angry:  Im not denying they are a good team but i DEEEEEEEEEEETEST them. When arsenal won last season they did it with style ..I didnt feel bitter at all and look wat they did to us in 89.  ???
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.
User avatar
Supermarius
 
Posts: 213
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2004 12:58 am
Location: Belfast

Postby jonnymac1979 » Tue Jun 08, 2004 10:05 am

Supermarius wrote:Cheese-why would a liverpool fan be jealous of uniteds title wins?  ???  Im not jealous of them at all -I hate them with a passion and its beyond me how any human being could take to them .They have this chip on their shoulder that needs sledged off...look at Fergie with that bloody stopwatch ,I mean like..and all that ref bullying ..and all them goals they score in stoppage time  :angry:  Im not denying they are a good team but i DEEEEEEEEEEETEST them. When arsenal won last season they did it with style ..I didnt feel bitter at all and look wat they did to us in 89.  ???

Yeah, i'm not bitter about 1989 for some unknown reason.  I used to be bitter around that time because Arsenal were boring to watch, had an air of arrogance about them and won every game 1 - 0 it seemed, plus it coincided with the start of our freefall.  Arsenal were terribly hard to beat though.  Now, even as a lifelong red fan, I have to take my hat off to them and applaud the season they have just had.  Thierry Henry leaves me speechless sometimes with the things he does.  Congratulations to them.  I wanted them to win the league from November onwards when we were out of it, just so that Manchester United wouldn't.  I also wanted Leeds to go down - but that's a story for another day. 

Arsenal don't grill me the way Manchester United do.  I cannot comprehend some things in life.  I'm not going to list you my prejudices here, to be honest it's a very small list, but supporting Manchester United is one of them.  How is that possible from a human being?

I read this months edition of FourFourTwo magazine back to back yesterday.  In it was a profile of a young Wimbledon FC defender who's name escapes me.  Don't worry, i'll be naming and shaming him when I get my magazine back, my mate Dave has borrowed it.  He was asked the question of who he supported as a boy.

He said he supported Liverpool, because they were winning everything with Barnes, Beardsley, Aldridge etc...but when the S.h.i.t.e. started winning stuff, he changed allegiances and started supporting THEM (in fact i'm gonna e-mail 442 about this, look out for me on the letters page next month if I can word it correctly without resorting to swearing).  I couldn't believe the absolute honesty and cheekiness of the *****  Does he know what this makes him?  I had to read it twice to make sure I had read it correctly.

And as for this idiot we have on here Image i've said it all before here on this page if you click here.

Manchester United are rotten from the core outwards.  They're deluded if they even THINK they can win the Premiership next season.  Arjen Robben obviously thinks so aswell.  That made me laugh when he went to Chelsea. 

And did Ryan Giggs really expect people to believe that Manchester United have better players in every position than Arsenal, which IS what he said towards the end of last season when Arsenal rewrote history?

Just because it was in newspapers, idiots will stop and think about this as if it's true, when if people opened their own eyes and didn't believe the spin on everything this foul club puts out, they would see, for all his experience, medals, trophies, money and fame - Giggs is clearly talking bolloc*s.  I wonder if it was Fergie who put him up to it because Ryan Giggs is deluded if he thinks this.  He should desert the sinking ship now like Beckham did.  Giggs' best years are behind him, as are Keane's.  Next year Scholes and the ugly stepsisters will both be 30 if i'm not wrong.

They have replaced them with Houllier-esque inferior replacements. 

You have to laugh at Forlan, you simply HAVE to laugh.  Is Old Sour Face getting lazy, signing him on the recommendation of his scouts without watching him live, only on video?

Why did he think he was signing the best midfielder in the World in Kleberson just because he had a World Cup winners medal?  Dietmar Hamman nearly got one due to a freak run of games in the World Cup where Germany only had to beat the likes of Saudi Arabia, Paraguay, USA and South Korea to get to the final.  Kleberson is not a Premiership player.

Can David Bellion even play at Premiership level, never mind Nationwide level?  Sunderland got £2 million for him and shouldn't forget it.  Daylight robbery. 

Their old match winner Solskjaer is always injured, the Horse misses Beckham's pin point crosses, i'll reserve judgment on Saha - for now.

Three words.  Eric Djemba Djemba.

How can they say at the least they are as good as Arsenal in every position.

I would ask the Manc if I communicated with him in a polite way to list these players Giggs talks of who are better than Arsenal in every position.  He wont though because he only posts on here to joke around.  Look at his stupid signature - "LET CHEESO IN THE VIP SUITE".  Nobody wants you in there you a.r.s.e.h.o.l.e.

So just this once you stupid Manc child, and i'm not going to make a habit of talking to you.  Just this once do me a favour because I would like to know just where these players are that Giggs speaks of.  Who is better at their job for Manchester United than Arsenal?  List them please.  I really want to know.  I need a good laugh.

By the way, this post has been long.  It's just that I have a blind prejudice of Manchester United that I feel this strongly.  And I do not believe any of the media c.r.a.p that comes out - down from the Busby era (....ohhh, let's all shed a crocodile tear.....) to that arrogant plumbag Bobby Charlton  (Now, he GRATES me, I have to switch him off whenever he's on telly) spouting that they are the greatest club in the history of English football.

Yeah, they are if you forget the years 1969 - 1992 inclusive.  Or any other year they didn't win a trophy.  The arrogant b.a.s.t.a.r.d.s.
Last edited by jonnymac1979 on Tue Jun 08, 2004 10:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
jonnymac1979
 

Postby jonnymac1979 » Tue Jun 08, 2004 10:16 am

Take advantage of Manchester United’s amazing mid-season giveaway: a stunning Premiership Trophy available to all Arsenal players and fans.

                                              Image

The certificate of authentication is signed by all the United players apart from Rio Ferdinand, Gary Neville and Diego Forlan who are all missing.

Postage and packaging is also free and the Trophy is currently delivered on a stunning silver plate.
Last edited by jonnymac1979 on Tue Jun 08, 2004 10:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
jonnymac1979
 

Postby jonnymac1979 » Tue Jun 08, 2004 10:20 am

Image
jonnymac1979
 

Postby Supermarius » Tue Jun 08, 2004 11:38 pm

Nothing wrong with your wording in that post mate! :D
Attachments

[The extension has been deactivated and can no longer be displayed.]

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.
User avatar
Supermarius
 
Posts: 213
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2004 12:58 am
Location: Belfast

Postby Dom1 » Fri Jul 02, 2004 7:48 pm

u lot really do hate Man Utd eh?

:D
:D
:D

Jealousy is an evil thing :p
Dom1
when you're 4-0 up..
you should never lose 7-1
Image
User avatar
Dom1
 
Posts: 9414
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2003 10:50 am
Location: Not Bosnia

Postby jonnymac1979 » Wed Jul 14, 2004 7:24 pm

Dom1 wrote:u lot really do hate Man Utd eh?

Yes. 

Oh yes my friend.
jonnymac1979
 

Postby supersub » Wed Jul 14, 2004 10:46 pm

:D
THERE'S A GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW SHINING AT THE END OF EVERY DAY.
THERE'S A GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW AND TOMORROW IS JUST A DREAM AWAY.
User avatar
supersub
Forum Moderator
 
Posts: 7276
Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2003 11:38 pm
Location: knackers yard

Postby Dom1 » Tue Aug 17, 2004 7:51 pm

jonnymac1979 wrote:
Dom1 wrote:u lot really do hate Man Utd eh?

Yes. 

Oh yes my friend.

poor you
when you're 4-0 up..
you should never lose 7-1
Image
User avatar
Dom1
 
Posts: 9414
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2003 10:50 am
Location: Not Bosnia

Postby IstanBuL-FenerBaHce » Sun Aug 29, 2004 6:58 pm

As a Fenerbahce supporter...

We are the team which have beaten them at Old Trafford, after 40 years in European cups..

We'll do it again this year...Auhauha

:blues:
Image
User avatar
IstanBuL-FenerBaHce
>> LFC Elite Member <<
 
Posts: 540
Joined: Mon Apr 19, 2004 2:12 pm
Location: Istanbul-Turkey


Return to Football World Wide - General Discussion

 


  • Related topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 14 guests