Now, some of the younger fellows and fellowettes may not be familiar with the phenomin....phenominan....phenominally fantastic comic genius that went into "Monty Python".
A group of 6 friends on a hiding to nothing, yet with more individual comic nous than the entire combined ability of all your Little Britains/Catherine Tate's, etc.
They revolutionised British comedy, and the vast majority of current comedians acknowledge them as a source of inspiration.
Totally nutty, with the aptly titled film "And Now for Something Completely Different" becoming synomonous with the very ethos of the Pythons.
Non-sensical buffoonary combined with animation, and some truely hilarious songs made Monty Python the hit it was and still is today.
Here are just a few scripts from just a tiny amount of the sketches of "Monty Python's Flying Circus", and films "And now for...", "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", "The Life Of Brian", "The Meaning of Life" and the much maligned "Jabbawokki":
Title: The Man Who Speaks In Anagrams
From: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Transcribed By: Jonathan Partington
Palin: Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of Blood,
Devastation, Death War and Horror, and later on we'll be
meeting a man who *does* gardening. But first on the show
we've got a man who speaks entirely in anagrams.
Idle: Taht si crreoct.
Palin: Do you enjoy it?
Idle: I stom certainly od. Revy chum so.
Palin: And what's your name?
Idle: Hamrag - Hamrag Yatlerot.
Palin: Well, Graham, nice to have you on the show. Now, where
do you come from?
Idle: Bumcreland.
Palin: Cumberland?
Idle: Stah't it sepricely.
Palin: And I believe you're working on an anagram version of
Shakespeare?
Idle: Sey, sey - taht si crreoct, er - ta the mnemot I'm wroking
on "The Mating of the Wersh".
Palin: "The Mating of the Wersh"? By William Shakespeare?
Idle: Nay, by Malliwi Rapesheake.
Palin: And what else?
Idle: "Two Netlemeng of Verona", "Twelfth Thing","The Chamrent
of Venice"....
Palin: Have you done "Hamlet"?
Idle: "Thamle". 'Be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the nestquoi.'
Palin: And what is your next project?
Idle: "Ring Kichard the Thrid".
Palin: I'm sorry?
Idle: 'A shroe! A shroe! My dingkom for a shroe!'
Palin: Ah, Ring Kichard, yes... but surely that's not an anagram,
that's a spoonerism.
Idle: If you're going to split hairs, I'm going to p*ss off. (Exit)
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Title: Confuse-A-Cat
Transcribed by: Brittany K.
From: Monty Python's Flying Circus video volume 3
[HUSBAND (Michael Palin) and WIFE (Terry Jones) are in a country style modest lounge staring out of a window. The words, "Suburban Lounge Near Esher" flash onto the screen. They are looking at a cat sitting on the lawn, when we hear the sound of a car pull up. HUSBAND and WIFE go to the door]
HUSBAND: Oh good, that'll be the vet dear.
WIFE: I better go and let him in [She goes to answer the door]
WIFE: It's the vet dear.
HUSBAND: Very glad, indeed that you could come 'round, sir.
VET (Graham Chapman): Now what seems to be the problem? You can tell me, I'm a vet you know.
WIFE (Panicked): See, tell him, dear.
HUSBAND: Well…
WIFE (interrupting): …It's our cat. He doesn't do anything. He just sits out there on the lawn.
VET: Is it dead?
WIFE and HUSBAND: No, no.
VET: Thank god for that. For one ghastly moment I thought I was (dramatic pause) too late! (Looks into camera) If only more people would call in the nick of time!
WIFE: He just sits there all day and everyday.
HUSBAND: …and at night!
WIFE (to MAN): Shh!
WIFE: …almost motionless. We have to take his food out to him.
HUSBAND: …and his milk!
WIFE: Shh! He doesn't do anything, he just sits there.
VET: Are you at your wit's end?
WIFE: Diffidently (HUSBAND about to speak) Shh! Yes.
VET: I see then I think I might be able to help you. (He sits, and signals others to do so.) You see, your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia.
Absence of interest in his ambiance, what we vets call, "environment."
Failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli, a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird, to be blunt, your cat (takes of glasses) is in a rut. (HUSBAND and WIFE hold each other as they grow worried) It's the old stockbroker syndrome. The suburban fantasy, angst. Call it what you will.
WIFE: Moping. (as she cries)
VET: In a way, in a way. (face grows worried) "Moping", must remember that. Now then what's to be done? Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recently?
HUSBAND: Well we…
WIFE: Shh! No.
VET: Well, I can diffidently say that your cat badly needs to be confused.
HUSBAND: What?
WIFE: Shh! What?
VET: Confused, to be shaken out of its state of compliancy. I'm afraid I am not personally qualified to confuse cats but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card. (Hands HUSBAND a half sheet of paper; WIFE rips it out of his hands)
WIFE (reading with HUSBAND echoing): "Confuse a cat limited" Oh?
[Cut to the front of the house. A moving truck pulls up with "Confuse-A-Cat, LTD" written on it. Six people come out of the back of the truck and one with a clipboard comes from the front]
SERGEANT: Eyes front. Deck officers! Confusers! Huh!
[An old black car pulls up and a man in uniform, GENERAL (John Cleese) steps out. He addresses the team leader]
GENERAL: Ah now men we've got a pretty little cat to confuse. Jolly good, Captain.
CAPTAIN: Get out of the van [One of the movers tries to move] wait for it … get out the funny things! Move, move!
[Cut to backyard with crew constructing a stage with CAPTAIN barking orders at them. Often, a cut of the cat sitting is shown. Soon the crew is done and all line up for inspection of GENERAL. He gives the ok and confusing commences]
GENERAL: Right men. Confuse the (pause) cat.
[Cut to full shot of stage. All through out snare drum is used to mimic sounds. All throughout stop-motion filming is used to make things appear, disappear, or 'slide'.
Red curtains are drawn revealing a man (Michael Palin) with one leg and a crutch in colonial period dress. The man disappears and two boxers appear, Eric Idle in the YELLOW shorts and Michael Palin in BLUE shorts. As they box around a bowler hat appears on BLUE's head then YELLOW's head and back. The hat switches styles and is now a top hat. Then a fez is added. BLUE then is wearing a habit and YELLOW is wearing a hat with four corners. BLUE suddenly changes into a colonial style military uniform and knocks out YELLOW who 'slides' away. BLUE still wearing uniform 'slides' from stage left to right and back on one foot.
Then a CONSTABLE appears along with a PENGUIN on a pogo stick who hops clumsily around. A shot of CAT watching is shown. PENGUIN turns into a garbage can with a lid as YELLOW 'slides' off stage. CONSTABLE removes lid of can and YELLOW pops out of can. Cut to shot of MAN, LADY, and GENERAL watching, then CAT watching. Next a man with a TOWEL (Eric Idle) around him jumps out of can covering his chest and lands on a chair that appeared next to CONSTABLE. TOWEL jumps and disappears. CONSTABLE sits in chair. YELLOW points to a cannon that has appeared and it fires. CONSTABLE is gone.
TOWEL jumps out of can then is chased by PENGUIN. As YELLOW claps his hands TOWEL appears and disappears and is chased by PENGUIN. He appears out of a second garbage can. PENGUIN appears out of the first and hits TOWEL with a fish. Cut to CAT. Cut to stage were PENGUIN, CONSTABLE, TOWEL, a chef, and YELLOW are lined up and take a bow. They disappear as they jump up]
GENERAL: Hope to god it works. Anyway, we shall know any minute now.
[Cut to CAT standing and walking into the house past MAN, LADY, and GENERAL]
WIFE: Oh, I can't believe it!
HUSBAND: Neither can I, sir! It's just like to old days.
WIFE: He's cured thank you, General!
HUSBAND: What can we ever do to repay you?
GENRERAL (looks into camera): Nothing. It's all in a days work for Confuse-A-Cat. [Horns play bold music as credits roll by
"Confuse-A-Cat Limited
Incorporating
Amaze-A-Vole LTD.
Stun-A-Stoat LTD.
Puzzle-A-Puma LTD.
Startle-A-Thompson's Gazelle LTD.
Bewilderebeest INC.
Distract-A-Bee ]
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Title: A Pet Shop Somewhere Near Melton Mowbray
From: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Transcribed By: unknown
Edited By: Adam Fogg
Man: Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat.
Shopkeeper: Certainly sir. I've got a lovely terrier. [indicates a box on the
counter]
Man: no, I want a cat really.
Shopkeeper: [taking box off counter and then putting it back on counter as if
it is a different box] Oh yeah, how about that?
Man: [looking in box] No, that's the terrier.
Shopkeeper: Well, it's as near as dammit.
Man: Well what do you mean? I want a cat.
Shopkeeper: Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit, take its
snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a
lovely pussy cat.
Man: Its not a proper cat.
Shopkeeper: What do you mean?
Man: Well it wouldn't miaow.
Shopkeeper: Well it would howl a bit.
Man: No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot?
Shopkeeper: No, I'm afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll
tell you what though ... I'll lop its back legs off, make good,
strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on and staple on a beak of
your own choice. [taking small box and rattling it] No problem.
Lovely parrot.
Man: How long would that take?
Shopkeeper: Oh, let me see ... er, stripping the fur off, no legs ... [calling]
Harry ... can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?
Harry: [off-screen] No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale, and then
I got the frogs to let out.
Shopkeeper: Friday?
Man: No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present.
Shopkeeper: Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion ... Tell you
what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could
do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little
pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold
paint, make good ...
Man: You'd need a very big tank.
Shopkeeper: It's a great conversation piece.
Man: Yes, all right, all right ... but, er, only if I can watch.
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Title: The Pet Shop
From: And Now For Something Completely Different
Transcribed By: Bret Shefter ( SHEBREB@YALEVM.BITNET )
Edited By: Adam Fogg
A customer enters a pet shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's
wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking
at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian
Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if
you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues
stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why
did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit,
squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home,
and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in
the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down,
it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts
through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased
to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft
of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be
pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off
the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're
right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.
(pause)
C: Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!
!!?O: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be...
A LUMBERJACK!
(piano vamp)
Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of
British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!
The Larch!
The Pine!
The Giant Redwood tree!
The Sequoia!
The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!
Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.
CHORUS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.
CHORUS
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.
Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around.... In bars?
??? CHORUS
I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.
Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels
Suspenders and a .... a Bra?
(mounties break off song, and begin insulting lumberjack)
Girl: (crying) I thought you were so rugged!
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*********Sound clips from "The Holy Grail"************
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/nonepass.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/wound.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/bleed.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/bitelegs.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/herring.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/cutdown.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/fart.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/french.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/gay.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/hamster.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/happy.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/icky.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/monks.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/mustbe.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/newt.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/pointy.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/shrub.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/shrub2.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/sod.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/tart.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/hg/tim.wav
************Sound clips from "Life of Brian"************
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/lb/crux.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/lb/dreamspt.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/lb/lineleft.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/lb/messiah.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/lb/woger.wav
************The Meaning of Life***********
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/ml/clitoris.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/ml/fishgone.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/ml/ididgo.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/ml/liver.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/ml/mad.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/ml/stuffed.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/ml/wafer.wav
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http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/lb/how.wav
http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_sounds/lb/stupid.wav
Awesome.
