Liverpool FC Forum

by **7_Kewell** » Mon Jun 07, 2004 9:47 pm

1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to
beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?

a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly
chip the ball over his head into the empty net.
b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper
and walk the ball confidently into the goal.
c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three
yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy ar5e. Then
it's both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the referee will give you the most unlikely penalty ever awarded.

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2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?

a) Yes.
b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.
c) Would you f*ck. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a beached whale.

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3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird sh1ts on you
from overhead. How do you react to this?

a) Smile and see the funny side of it.
b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.
c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent off.

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4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?

a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.
b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.
c) "Run"? What the f*ck is that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack of sh1t on a skateboard....?

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5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area.
How do you head the ball?

a) With extreme power and accuracy.
b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has never been your strongest point.
c) With your ar5e...because you've been upended again by some three-foot dwarf defender from West Brom.

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6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance
ahead of you, so what do you do?

a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it goes out of play for a goal-kick.
b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's always worth making the effort.
c) Nothing. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-ar5ed tw*t.

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7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a
smaller player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely
outcome?

a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.
b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.
c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z, where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, etc.

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8. Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?

a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your
hulking appearance.
b) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard
dog off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old
boots.
c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact that he was useless
tw*t who kept falling flat on his ar5e for no reason as well.

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9. What has been the biggest effect since your transfer to Liverpool?

a) The higher profile and the greater expectations of the fans.
b) Just the fact that you are playing for one of most famous clubs in
history.
c) Earthquakes in the Merseyside area have increased by 3,000% because
of your great big fat ar5e hitting the deck so many times. Much more of it
and they'll be pulling the stands down due to foundation damage.

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ANSWERS:
Mainly a: You're not Emile Heskey.
Mainly b: Neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done, you are Emile Heskey and you're f*cking ******.

by **banana** » Mon Jun 07, 2004 10:16 pm

I can imagine Heskey scoring against us at Anfield next season actually....

by **XSD** » Mon Jun 07, 2004 10:51 pm

Harsh, Heskey isn't a bad player I wish people would stop insulting him so pointlessly like this.

by **Dalglish** » Mon Jun 07, 2004 11:16 pm

Talk is cheap and memories thin when some fans discuss Ex Liverpool Players. Ok so you don't like Emile , Whats New ?

Your Questionaire is more suited to Viz than a forum in my opinion..............

Good Luck Emile in your future,a model professional who never bitched or moaned to the papers when asked to play in an unfamiliar position for most of last season (Right Wing), scored some good goals but not enough .......... All the best , at least you (Emile) can content yourself that you are NOT as fickle as some fans

by **fivecups** » Mon Jun 07, 2004 11:26 pm

Sounds like it was taken from a scum forum.

by **Dalglish** » Mon Jun 07, 2004 11:30 pm

NOT the Liverpool Way in my opunion so wouldn't surprise me

by **BoogiePimp** » Tue Jun 08, 2004 1:19 am

I actually thought liverpool looked a better side with emile in it .

Emile is a great player ,maybe not what liverpool needed though..

And good luck to him but not when he plays us :-P

by **woof woof !** » Tue Jun 08, 2004 7:55 am

Whats your point ? You don't like Heskey, you may have noticed he's not with LFC any longer and you're still sitting there throwing sh*t in his direction . Get over it.

by **ckay** » Tue Jun 08, 2004 8:07 am

Harsh, very harsh.

by **Leonmc0708** » Tue Jun 08, 2004 11:09 am

He is now a Brummie player, get over yourself you idiot.

by **Scottbot** » Tue Jun 08, 2004 11:15 am

Lighten up guys! One of my skum supporting mates sent me that on email months an months ago. I thought it was quite funny. I like any sort of footie humour. Those Gary Chuckle diaries an the Milan Baros diaries are bloody hilarious.

by **jonnymac1979** » Tue Jun 08, 2004 11:21 am

7_Kewell isn't one of those Leeds fans who decided to bombard us with c.r.a.p. before they got relegated is he?

by **7_Kewell** » Tue Jun 08, 2004 1:04 pm

guy guys!! Calm down, it was a joke! Geez!

I thought it would be 'humourous' to post it, come on. As for the Claims i'm a MAn utd/Leeds fan........now thats Harsh!

by **woof woof !** » Tue Jun 08, 2004 1:10 pm

7_Kewell wrote:guy guys!! Calm down, it was a joke! Geez!

I thought it would be 'humourous' to post it, come on. As for the Claims i'm a MAn utd/Leeds fan........now thats Harsh!

OK we forgive you, next time leave your jokes in the xmas cracker (where u found them )

by **7_Kewell** » Tue Jun 08, 2004 1:13 pm

jokes

I found it here, some funny ones :laugh:

Liverpool FC Forum

Questionnaire: - Are you emile heskey?

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