Liverpool FC Forum

by **Woollyback** » Thu Aug 11, 2005 11:42 pm

Tonight I went out and bought a golf bag.

I don't play golf yet but am hoping to start, I got given some 2nd hand clubs a while back and a couple of mates said they can give me lessons

Does this mean I'll be wearing pink jumpers by christmas? and worse still, does it mean that for the rest of my life I'll be getting novelty golf set rubbish things for christmas from every member of my family?

Will I become the pub bore telling everyone at length about how I got out of the rough on the 13th using nothing more than a mashie niblick? Will I have to tuck my shirt in my trousers when I go and play?

I am absolutely and truly terrified of what might happen to me, can any golfers out there either a) reassure me that I'm not going to turn into swiss tony overnight or b) warn me right now to just not start down that slippery slope

by **El Nino_#9** » Thu Aug 11, 2005 11:57 pm

A) Yes, you are!
B) There is NO turning back!

Don't be suprised to be getting a pair of "golfing" socks for x-mas!

by **jonnymac1979** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 12:05 am

Don't go on the slippery slope.

The closest I have ever got to Golf was playing on the driving range in Aintree, and that was in 1995. That's ten years ago. I have no plans to return.

By the way, I have got a a pink tie for my work attire. Nothing wrong with pink this season.

What am I saying?

I shouldn't know about things like that. :angry:

by **76-1115222408** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 12:12 am

Hmmmmm, Jonny Jonny Jonny, I think you may be starting down a different slipperly slope, the slippery coming in the form of Vaseline!!!

by **jonnymac1979** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 12:16 am

I'm no backdoor romeo, my friend.

by **76-1115222408** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:36 am

by **laza** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:48 am

Its ruins a good walk and is harbinger of old age and death.............happy golfing

by **Lando_Griffin** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 4:04 am

In the infinate wisdom of Spike Milligan;
"Golf is God's way of telling people they have got too much time on their hands."

Whereas I'd just say it's sh*te. :;):

by **woof woof !** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 7:27 am

Woollyback." Does this mean I'll be wearing pink jumpers by christmas? "

Wooly,you've always worn pink jumpers .

And I think the sight of you and your harem of Ho's swanning round the greens will be an added dimension to the game . Can't wait to see you in the US open sinking your balls into 18 holes .
Move over Tiger ! the Pimpmeister has arrived .

by **babu** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 7:47 am

Nah, you'll just join the legion of cr@p golfers out there. you will slow down flights, not allow any one to play through and worst of all hit up on people.

but seriously just don't bore people to death with intricate details of a hole you actually played well. no-one cares. ps getting golf stuff is great because its so friggin expensive.

by **jonnymac1979** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 9:34 am

And you'll start saying words like "eclectic".

I've heard more than one golfer say this, what the fuck does it mean? I don't think they knew either, although I have had it explained to me, and I was none the wiser.

by **Woollyback** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 12:10 pm

luckily i've still got the receipt, i think i'm gonna take the bag back to the shop for a refund which i shall promptly spend down the boozer instead

unless of course i can break the mould and become a scruffy golfer with terrible bad language and a can of kronenbourg instead of a hipflask full of pimms, that'd go down a treat down the golf club i'm sure

i'd also have to get an electric (not eclectic

) golf buggy but pimp it up big style, mini jacuzzi on the back with a few ho's in there polishing my balls

by **stmichael** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 12:11 pm

A few laws of golf before you start woolly.

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

by **woof woof !** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 12:15 pm

Woollyback wrote:i'd also have to get an electric (not eclectic ) golf buggy but pimp it up big style, mini jacuzzi on the back with a few ho's in there polishing my balls

I can already hear people saying "Wooly's the Daddy but who da Caddy ? "

by **Woollyback** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 12:31 pm

i'll have about 15 caddies, each one a bikini-clad honey carrying one of my clubs each

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