Liverpool FC Forum

[66-1112520797]

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

[account deleted by request]

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted – as was his wife.

But after several weeks – when his organ had grown to nearly 30 inches – Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, although rare, Ralph's condition could be helped through corrective surgery.

‘How long will Ralph be on crutches?’ the wife asked anxiously.

‘Crutches? Why would he need crutches?’ responded the surprised doctor.

‘Well,’ said the wife coldly, ‘You are planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?’

[jkop]

Good morning everyone, what a cold and frosty morning. Took me 10 minutes and a kettle of boiling water to get into the shed this morning.

[stmichael]

bloody freezing here today. snowed all night

[jkop]

bloody freezing here today. snowed all night

[account deleted by request]

I think your girlfriend looks a bit fridgid StMichael

[red37]

who needs Viagra!

[stmichael]

who needs Viagra!

judge apparently

[account deleted by request]

I'm glad to see red37's wife managed to peel his fingers off the x-box controller so he could post in here once more. 

[red37]

I'm glad to see red37's wife managed to peel his fingers off the x-box controller so he could post in here once more. 

     the novelty will wear off soon...much like the effects of Viagra!!






so Judge tells me................

[account deleted by request]

A man goes into a chemists to discuss Viagra.

'Can I get it over the counter?' he asks.

The pharmacist says, 'Well, you might need to take 2 or 3......'

[account deleted by request]

A elderly gentleman shuffles into a drug store and asks for Viagra.

‘That's no problem,’ says the pharmacist. ‘How many do you want?’

‘Just a few, maybe four,’ says the pensioner. ‘But could you cut them into four pieces?’

‘That won't do you much good,’ replies the pharmacist.

The customer looks at him and sighs. ‘I’m 83 years old – I'm not interested in sex anymore,’ he says.
‘I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't p1ss on my shoes.’

             --------------------------------------
Having now ruined the real world by turning it into a jokes thread, I will try to show more restraint  in future 

[stmichael]

WARNING: never mix beer and viagra

[account deleted by request]

[stmichael]

The Top 12 Signs Your Pet is Taking Viagra


Let's just say the cat isn't always landing on its feet these days.

Your Acura dealer called, asking where Mr. Furpants wants his new NSX delivered.

The catching and toying with the field mice is still cute and all, but now you have to leave the room for the endgame.

Still waiting to greet you at the door when you arrive home from work, but now wears a French maid outfit.

Stupid grin when Bob Dole/Britney Spears Pepsi commercial comes on.

Instead of digging up your garden, your dachshund is *plowing* it.

He's the only dog around wearing a velvet jacket and smoking a pipe.

Fido throws in the extended-play Barry White CD before starting to hump your leg.

Spot complains of headache and blue-tinted vision, despite being color-blind, then says, "But enough about me... how're *you* doin'?"

Distinct rut in the gravel circling the plastic castle in the goldfish bowl.

Flightless birds now include the ostrich, the emu, the penguin and your parrot with the huge penis.

The little diver at the bottom of the tank has his suit around his ankles and an exhausted smile on his face.