Liverpool FC Forum

[Chelsea forever.]

I wanted to say that IMHO Owen should ..........

.... oops .. did I just start another thread!

This time theres no escape .. i think im in for a thrashing.

Go easy please ........

[babu]

are you taking the p!ss now? if so why? there are so many people on this forum who will disregard everything you say simply because you are a chelsea fan, why provide more amunition.

[Chelsea forever.]

Hmmm

Maybe I shouldnt have. You are right. What now? I know .. lets turn this into a Joke Thread. Afterall this is the General Forum?!

So ill start ..

"took the family out for a meal last night. Suprised everyone by ordering in French. It was a Chinese restaurant."

"Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
"

"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming"

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance"

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?"

[policy]

This one is clean!!!!! I promise.


2 Jewish gentlemen walk into a Chinese restaurant in China. They ask the waiter, "Hello my friend, we are just visiting your lovely country as part of our travels and noticed that we have seen Jews everywhere. We have seen North American Jews, South American Jews, European Jews, Australian Jews  and even Antarctic Jews. We were wondering if there are Chinese Jews."

The waiter paused and asked if he could be excused to go and ask his boss, so he goes to the back for a few minutes. After about 10 minutes, he comes back and states, "We have apple juice, orange juice and pineapple juice. But so sorry, we don't have Chinese juice."

[bedlovedays]

[akumaface]

This one is clean!!!!! I promise.


2 Jewish gentlemen walk into a Chinese restaurant in China. They ask the waiter, "Hello my friend, we are just visiting your lovely country as part of our travels and noticed that we have seen Jews everywhere. We have seen North American Jews, South American Jews, European Jews, Australian Jews  and even Antarctic Jews. We were wondering if there are Chinese Jews."

The waiter paused and asked if he could be excused to go and ask his boss, so he goes to the back for a few minutes. After about 10 minutes, he comes back and states, "We have apple juice, orange juice and pineapple juice. But so sorry, we don't have Chinese juice."

I don't think its funny and I'm quite offended as I'm Chinese and I think this is the same kind of ignorance as Bulgarian fans making Monkey gesture to Cisse. If you don't know the people or culture, try to think before you post or speak.

[112-1077774096]

dear me, chill out mate, its a joke and thats not even really racist. its not making any derogatory statements about chinese people

[azriahmad]

previously, peewee said to me "don't you tell me to chill out" or something like that.

is it OK to "chill out" now, peewee?

BTW, it's not such a racist joke, a bit unappropriate. Turn the other cheek, akumaface.

[Woollyback]

a chinese man and wife are getting fresh up in the bedroom one night, "i'd love a 69" says the woman "you can f*ck right off" says the man, "i'm not cooking at this time of night!"

the old ones are always the best 

akumaface, that isn't being racist or offensive to chinese culture btw, it's just humour that's all

[Ian Rush's Right foot]

Hmmm

Maybe I shouldnt have. You are right. What now? I know .. lets turn this into a Joke Thread. Afterall this is the General Forum?!

Every time Big Roger attends a Chelsea game he books 2 seats.
One to sit in, the other to throw when the fightin starts.



Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"



Q. Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.
A. Who gives a F**K!



Q: What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig?
A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.



Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved

IF TEAMS WERE WOMEN:

Arsenal - Angelina Jolie
Looks good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the
potential to really screw you over

Aston Villa - Dido
One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really

Birmingham City - Mariah Carey
Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick

Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes
Common as muck Lancy, constantly worrying.

Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia
Always looks like she might go down but never does

Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon
Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens
Every bit looks good from all angles. But what is she doing with that

Everton - Barbara Windsor
Been laughing at those t*ts so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good

Fulham - Andrea Corr
Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame

Leicester City - Patsy Palmer
Generally a bit and second rate really, but some people like her

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor
Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work
when put together.

Man City - Madonna
Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars.
Nice new home though

Man United - Jordan
Dominated by t*ts. Screwed by Dwight Yorke. Quite repulsive
really

Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson
Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to
speak of.

Newcastle United - Christina Aguillera
Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.

Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde
On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what she's
going to do next

Southampton - Kylie Minogue
Sometimes you feel sorry for them, they’re not huge and you've got a
bit of a soft spot.

Tottenham - Joan Collins
Used to look good, but living on past glories.

AND FINALLY:

Carlo Cudicini was walking down the street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth story window with a woman leaning out holding a baby.

"Help, help!" she screamed, "I need someone to catch my baby!"

A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but no one was confident of catching a baby dropped from such a great height. Then Cudicini stepped forward.

"I’m the Chelsea goalkeeper,” he shouted to the woman. "I’m famous for my safe hands. Drop the baby, for me it will be like catching a ball"

And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward.

"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!"

So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.

The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man.
Cudicini remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground Cudicini dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm.

The crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. Cudicini, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation. Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road.

AHH THANK YOU I'M HERE ALL WEEK

[Ian Rush's Right foot]

one more:

What is the closest Chelsea players can get to getting an erection?

A semi.

[liamac]

Women have PMS .................men suffer it

[Ian Rush's Right foot]

.....Sorry one for akumaface.. lighten up buddy!

There was once a very influential farmer in an obscure part of China. He had a problem, for which he sought the counsel of the two wise men in town.  So he summons the two wise men, Hing, who is an scientist, and Ming, who is a sorcerer, and requests that they find a cure for his chickens who are losing their feathers and dying.

Hing decides to pay a visit to his mentor at the Agricultural Extension of the local Community College, under whom he studied many years ago.  The mentor recommends the book "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask". So Hing visits the library, borrows the book, and finds inside the report of a study that finds that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a cure for chickens losing their feathers.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards.  He also tries to read the entrails of a fetal pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves.  In a spark of discovery, he decides that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.

On the appointed day, at the appointed time, and at the appointed place, the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming reports "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens."  Hing agrees, saying "Four out of five ornithologists recommend sugarless infusions of gum tree leaves for their chickens who lose their feathers."  The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind.

He decides to carry out their advice, and it does not succeed.  The moral of this story is "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

[RedorDead]

Quality Cudicini joke. Here's my favourite of all time:

Q: What is the definition of Endless Love?

A: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis!


And these are for Chelsea forever...well come on mate, it is a joke thread on a LIVERPOOL forum!!!

Q: What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!

I've heard that Stamford Bridge has arguably the best pitch in the Premiership. Well...not entirely surprising considering all the sh!t that's been on there over the years.

Four surgeons are having a coffee break. The first one says "I like operating on accountants best because everything inside is numbered."
The second one says "Nah, I like librarians. Everything inside them is always in alphabetical order."
Third one says "Electricians, they're the best. Everything in them is colour coded."
The fourth one says "I prefer Chelsea fans. They're gutless, heartless spineless, and their heads and backsides are interchangeable"

Three football fans in a pub. One of them sees a twenty pound note in the fish tank. The landlord tells them that anyone who gets it out before the piranha eats their hand gets to keep it. The Gooner puts his hand in and the piranha bites off two of his fingers. The second whos a West Ham fan waits until the fish looks the other way and then puts his hand in, he pulls it out with his left hand missing. Then the Chelsea fan puts his hand in and pulls out the twenty. The landlord ask how he managed it and the Chelsea fan shows him his hand where tattooed across his knucles is" CHELSEA 2005 European Champions". The landlord says " I UNDERSTAND NOW,NOT EVEN A F*****G PIRANHA WILL SWALLOW THAT LOAD OF SH!T"

[babu]

Nice new avatar peewee. that desk is getting it solidly from behind.