Page 7 of 78
Posted:
Wed Jan 25, 2006 4:34 pmby 2520years
My wife and me have found the secret of a successful marriage.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Mine is in England and hers is in Madagascar.
I take her everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to her for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. She asked, "What's on the TV?" ...I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to.
Posted:
Wed Jan 25, 2006 4:36 pmby 2520years
You'll be glad to hear that's the end of my repetoire!
Posted:
Thu Jan 26, 2006 4:47 amby Lando_Griffin
Encore!!!! 
Posted:
Thu Jan 26, 2006 10:42 amby dawson99
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. “Well, we’re not having that sort of sh!t in our garden.”
Posted:
Fri Jan 27, 2006 4:06 pmby dawson99
The Understanding Man...
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic'.
"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a
bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me saying
that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled..........
So I told her to f*ck off.
Posted:
Fri Jan 27, 2006 5:17 pmby ckay
Taxi for passmeistro_#14 !!!
Posted:
Sat Jan 28, 2006 10:27 amby SammyS
Q.What's the complement to a 43 degree angle?
A. My you're looking "acute" today
Posted:
Sun Jan 29, 2006 4:09 pmby anfieldadorer
"Whenever I watch TV and see those starving kids all over the world, i can't help but cry. I mean, i'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and stuff"
Mariah Carey
Posted:
Sun Jan 29, 2006 4:12 pmby anfieldadorer
"Smoking kills, if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"
Brooke Shileds, antismoking campaign
Posted:
Thu Feb 16, 2006 1:26 pmby anfieldadorer
Posted:
Wed Feb 22, 2006 12:13 amby TheoRacle
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his
hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him
several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Posted:
Wed Feb 22, 2006 6:55 pmby Cool Hand Luke
An anxious husband called the hospital to ask about his wife who was pregnant.
Accidentally, he called the cricket stadium.
He asked, "How are things?"
"Fine!! Three are out, we hope to have the remaining seven out by lunch. And the last one out was a duck."
He died....
Posted:
Mon Feb 27, 2006 3:30 pmby 2520years
This isn't a joke but it might make you smile...
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Posted:
Mon Feb 27, 2006 3:37 pmby Roger Red Hat
two prossies walking through town, one says "We're gonna do well tonight Sharon, I can smell cock in the air tonight", Sharon replied " Sorry Tracy, I've just burped"
i'll get me coat..... taxi!
........I'll get my coat 
