Liverpool FC Forum

And that's how the fight started........


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have S.ex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

Bill and Ben are working on a building site.

Bill says to Ben "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Ben watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Bill you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Ben starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Ben.

woof woof ! » Wed Aug 12, 2015 9:29 am wrote:Bill and Ben are working on a building site.

Bill says to Ben "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Ben watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Bill you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Ben starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Ben.

Bill and Ben are taking a bath when Ben goes "flobadobdobbp".

Bill: "if that stinks, I'll kill ya"

A hooker whispers to a young scouser 'Fancy a blow job?'
Scouser replies 'Will I still get me dole?'

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Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm, so they go to the Doctors.
After tests the Doctor suggests that Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex.
Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.

After 20 mins of wafting, still no orgasm, so his friend suggest they swop. "I'll f*ck her and you waft the towel".
Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.
Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says "And that, my friend, is how to waft a f*cking towel!"

Reg » Sun Sep 20, 2015 2:41 am wrote:Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm, so they go to the Doctors.
After tests the Doctor suggests that Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex.
Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.

After 20 mins of wafting, still no orgasm, so his friend suggest they swop. "I'll f*ck her and you waft the towel".
Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.
Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says "And that, my friend, is how to waft a f*cking towel!"

What has two legs and bleeds?









Half a dog

laza » Fri Oct 16, 2015 7:24 am wrote:

Heard this the other day which made me laugh.

Dear Anne,

I was cleaning the baby the other day, the baby started to pee and got me in the eye, does this mean I can make a PPI claim!

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and as police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says
"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.

My Neighbour

She's single... She's shapely... She's beautiful and she lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.
                               
I watched as she got home from work this evening.  I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and  I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight.  Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.  As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'  Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow."  She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'