Liverpool FC Forum

The Vet

A man thought his Fox Terrier was sick, so he took it to the vet. The doctor examined the dog and said “sorry, I can’t do anything for him”.
The man demanded a second opinion. The vet said OK. He opened the door and a Labrador Retriever ran in and sniffed the Terrier and barked one time.
Next, the vet opened the door again, and in walks a cat who sniffed the Terrier and meowed once.
The vet turned to the man and said, “Same diagnosis, but it will be an extra $300 for the lab report and cat scan.”

I was in a pub Saturday night, I'd had a few drinks. Then I noticed two rather huge women sitting drinking at the bar. They both had strong accents I couldn't quite pick up on, so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"  One of them screamed, "Its Wales, you friggin' Dickhead!" I immediately apologised and said, "Sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"......................   ....................That's all I remember doctor, I can't remember nothing after that............

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You're a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,





Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

I was in the Tesco Cafe ordering my food & the waitress asked if I wanted anything on my burger...so I had a fiver eachway!!!

Sat here reading the label on these Tesco burgers and it turns out they're fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar!!!!

Unfortunately the wife was taken to hospital this morning after eating a Tesco burger last night. Have just visited her and fortunately she is now in a stable condition!!!

Just taken some Tesco burgers out of the fridge & they're off!!!

Actually I'm not sure about all this fuss over horse meat. I reckon its a load of old pony.......

I'll get my coat

Here's our top 20 classic quotes from the new Scotland gaffer:

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" (walks off).

I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: "Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?"
Strachan: "No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah."

"I tried to get the disappointment out of my system by going for a walk. I ended up 17 miles from home and I had to phone my wife, Lesley to come and pick me up."

Reporter: "Gordon, do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?"
Strachan: "I don't care, I'm Scottish."

Reporter: "Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?"
Strachan: "You're spot on! You can read me like a book!"

Reporter: "Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?"
Strachan: "No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said: 'No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.'"

Reporter: "There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?"
Strachan: "Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick. Down negative man, down!"

On good friend and former Aberdeen teammate Alex McLeish: "We even competed for the acne cream when we were younger. Obviously, I won that one."

Reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?"
Strachan: "What areas? Mainly that big green one out there..."

Talking about Wayne Rooney: "It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

On Eric Cantona's bizarre press conference: "If a Frenchman goes on about seagulls, trawlers and sardines, he’s called a philosopher. I’d just be called a short Scottish bum talking *****."

“Pahars has also caught every virus going except a computer virus and he is probably working on that even now.”

Reporter: "This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?"
Strachan: "You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there."

Talking about being attacked by a Celtic fan while an Aberdeen player in 1980: "It's always great fun getting attacked. One of the highlights of my career. The fella who beat me up got fined £100 for that but they had a whip-round in the pub and he got £200!"

On his cooking ability: "It's embarrassing, I'm not proud of it. I can't even make myself anything to eat. I had to phone her and she said, 'I've left something to put in the microwave'. An hour later and I'm asking, "Where's the microwave?""

Reporter: "Is that your best start to a season?"
Strachan: "Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure."

Reporter: "You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?"
Strachan: "I don't take stupid comments lightly either."

“I have discovered that when you go to Anfield or Old Trafford, it pays not to wear a coloured shirt because everyone can see the stains as the pressure mounts. I always wear a white shirt so nobody sees you sweat.”

On Sir Alex Ferguson while at Aberdeen: "He used to play tapes of Bill Shankly talking. I remember that and a singer he liked. I don't know who it was but it was *****. He played it on the team bus too, and all the boys hated it. Until one night it got chucked away. If he's still wondering who threw that tape off the bus, it was me. So maybe he was right and I'm not to be trusted."

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Gordon Strachan    the dry old bar$tard does make me 

New franchise of coffee shops opening up aimed at the under tens ,its called "Tarbucks"

NEWS FLASH: Bayern Munich are leading the race to sign Wayne Rooney and look set to offer him 250 Grans a week!

Jack Whitehall King of Comedy.

James Corden is still on our screens.

As is Davina McCall.

Rats and Horses cant vomit.

The cigarette lighter was invented before a match.

A person can live without food for a month but without water for only a week.

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All true, none of it funny, the f*ck is going on?

I just hired East European cleaner , it took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Johnny Smith showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"



Sally replied, "No... salty."

The following made me laugh out loud. There  is a joke there somewhere 

Indian TV sacks newsreader for 'Eleven Jinping' gaffe

"India's public TV channel has sacked a newsreader for slipping up over the name of visiting Chinese President Xi Jinping - apparently mistaking his surname for the Roman numeral XI, and calling him "Eleven Jinping" on air"

Maybe not the most PC of jokes given how sensitive we have to be about "stereotyping" national traits BUT

A Welshman, an Irish man and a Scotsman gather around the open grave of one of their lifelong mates an Englishman.

The Welshman says "I'll miss him and i'm sorry I never paid him back the £1000 he loaned me all those years ago"

With that the Welshman says "sod it" and opening his wallet he throws a £1000 in crisp £50 notes into the grave.

The Irishman then says "You've reminded me Taff that the old English bugger loaned me a £1000 when I was down on my luck and I never repaid him"

With that the Irishman also opens his wallet and lets a £1000 pounds in crisp £50 notes flutter down into the grave.

The Scotsman then says "Aye, he once loaned me a £1000 when I needed it most, he never pressed me for repayment, BUT never let it be said a Scotsman doesn't pay his debts"

And with that the Scotsman jumps down into the grave, scoops up the cash and leaves a cheque for the outstanding amount on the coffin !

Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

49 million and 180 grand a month